Cat Yoga

My experience from yesterday inspired the following:

A translation of yoga for cat owners:

·         Clear a space and roll out your mat: Attempt to clear the cat hair, give it up as hopeless, unroll the mat and spend the next two minutes shooing the cats off it and trying to smudge out the scratch marks with your toes

·         Begin cross legged and close your eyes: Kick at the cats swarming around your legs to make room for your butt. Spend the entire time you are supposed to center your breathing shoving the cats out of your lap

·         Interlock your fingers and lower your face to your hands: Poke yourself in the eye as your cats knock your elbows attempting to get pets

·         Stand up and extend your hands over your head, then slowly swan dive and touch your fingers to the mat: Choke on your cats tails as they jump and rub against your face, delighted that you are bending over to pay attention to them

·         Put your hands behind your back and interlace your fingers, lifting them up and overhead: You no longer have hands to push the cats away from your face, so suffocation becomes a real issue

·         Slowly step back to an upper push-up position: You are again at eye level with the cats, but have the advantage of trying to use one hand to swat at them while supporting your weight on the other

·         Assume chair pose (which was invented by Satan), raise your arms over your head: The cats swat at your prone ass in search of the chair you are sitting on

·         Turn your right foot out and your left foot at a 45 degree angle, raise your arms and bend your leg to a right angle into Warrior 2: Attempt to maintain your balance while the cats vigorously rub against your legs, upset that you are no longer bent double to play with them

·         Move into child’s pose and take a minute to manage your breaths: Crouch on the floor and choke on cat hair while the cats jump onto your back and lie down for a nap

·         Move into table position (on knees and hands) lift your left arm and hold it out while raising your right leg, point your toes to the ceiling: The cats finally see their opening and attack your precariously balanced body, resulting with you sprawled on your side gasping for air and cursing

·         To end our yoga practice, move in Corpse pose, lay back, close your eyes and contemplate your practice, thank your body for what it accomplished, etc: Lay down and suffocate as your cats climb onto your face and chest, and convince you to lock them in another room the next time to try to do yoga